Retrospect

Here I am thinking about my past, my present and my future - the drill every man goes through at least once in his life, the soul searching everyone does once in a while, the analysis about your past decisions/choices and the fruit you have had, the quiet lonely time spent sobbing- being sad - thinking about things/people you miss, things/people you want, things/people you love and care about.

I guess it is happening quite often these days in this country here being lonely, being in a terrible economy, some or the other bad news coming your way every day, the debt & burden increasing on your shoulders, the more responsible you become, the more "man" you become, the less you open up and share...

It has been months now since I spoke to some of my good friends. I haven't been online too much. I haven't called. I guess I am just under so much pressure, not from studies but from my situation, that I don't want to share. I feel strong when I don't share or rather avoid the urge to share. Or rather I don't want to come out as a weak person. But I truly miss a lot of people including Nikita. Yes her thoughts have got back to me. They dont haunt me or trouble me anymore, instead they make me smile at times. I also don't mind admitting here now that I currently feel desperate to have a girlfriend whom I can share with, for I will not share with any one else no matter how good a friend he/she is. Recently its been kinda sick that every girl I meet, I try to see if she can be the one. But so far haven't found any one to be "the one". But I am glad to still be sensible enough not to be overwhelmed by these silly thoughts and always getting my act together, focussing on things that really matter. And this is where my love for nikita helps, coz I can ignore and reject thoughts of any other girl in her comparison. When a few people who know me well read this, they sure would have started thinking that I am back to chasing nikita, that I am back to hoping, expecting... but to reassure you guys, I am nowhere close to that. I am happy with my life, I am just a lot worried by the financial conditions right now.

Another one bites the dust

I dont know why God does this to me, but He frustrates me a lot. He takes me so close to opportunities and then takes them away from me. Today I came so close to getting a Hindi TA which would have meant full tuition waiver for the next 3 sems but no after me working hard to make those questions and being honest in my interview, I still got rejected. I just hope he doesnt do that with my Qualcomm intern opportunity.
But again some times He blesses me with luck that is suprising. I wish He would indicate to me of what I was lacking. I am just so very frustrated right now. I dont know what He has in store for me now. I never really want anything for myself these days. I havent asked Him for anything for quite sometime. I asked Him to give me this TA only because I wanted to rid my father of the load of my education. I just wish He gives him strength and some reason to be happy as well.

Is it OK to Fail Sometimes

As the 1st semester of my Masters comes to an end, I come back to my blog which has been my respite in times of frustration, disappointment, etc. Its been long since I have written something. Lots of things have changed.

1st thing to note, today as I write this - Its my Mom's Bday - Happy Bday MOM. Please Bless me and always love me and believe in me. I have followed your dream and have come to US and that too in a very highly ranked university. But I may have disappointed you by not performing very well in this semester. But seriously I have tried my best. I have given it my everything. But probably it was a wrong choice of courses that I am unable to devote much time to them. Sometimes failure is unavoidable no matter how hard you try. Not always is hard work rewarded. With that Luck has to be on your side which has deserted me once again, but I am sure it will come back to me big time just like it came at the time of admits.

Here I sit disappointed staring at 2 B's out of 3 courses and another A- or hopefully A in this semester, sitting cursing myself, sitting dejected as the result of this sem would deflate a lot of hopes and dreams including mine. The question I ask the world is - Is it not OK to fail? Why are there so many expectations, hopes, competition that make you feel so much like a loser even at one failure. Even Einstein and Newton and all other greats I'm sure must have failed at least once in their life.

US or INDIA

i am back to writing ....finding some time now with everythin (including ROBOCON n excluding BE proj) over...and findin some private lonely moments with people going on vacation

I sit down to write about the current hot topic in the class ...ADMITS and JOBS....and about the confusion in my mind

starting with jobs...i have one - wipro but had many other gr8 experiences n chances tht i cud not convert...Cisco, Morgan Stanley, JP Morgan, Morgan Chase....

it does hurt n i do envy ppl ...wen i dont get thru n wen my close frnds hav moved ahead to achieve gr8 things...bag gr8 jobs....or earn gr8 admits....i take this blog as an opportunity to vent out my frustration

as far as admits are concerned ...i hav 3 currently wid some pride tht comp guys were rejected whr i hav been accepted...but sincerely the universities don please me much except 4 NCSU which is OK....i hoped n longed 4 UCSB....my heart was broken wen i was rejected by dem...PSU reject was not tht painful....

but i once again feel lost n defeated now tht ppl hav got admits 4m columbia and my future almost fixed to NCSU (Austin n stony brook being impossible)

again coming back to my own wish....do i rly want to go abroad?

do i want to study further?

i started off wid aims of MBA which were changed suddenly to MS to fulfill certain dreams which still hold me back to choose freely...also post graduation almost has become inevitable if u hav to succeed

sure i dont want to stay at home ...but tht wud b taken care of even wid wipro being in pune or bangalore...plus it has the added advantage of coming back to the family wen u please

US ...u cannot come back 4 at least 5 yrs....and then too its vry difficult

i dont want to actually study more immediately....i am more interested in practical learning

but as i said some dreams are hard to let go....

now i m even more weakened by my dad sayin casually to stay back...i m findin it hard to deicde as to what to do

can somebody help me??!!!

The Big Air about TOEFL

yes, just about 2-3 days after my GRE i took the date for my TOEFL.....17th aug .....which is 14 days after my GRE.....i should have been crazy or overconfident....but had no choice.....no suitable center available for 25th n the next date after 25th was 12 sep....so had to...

but neways TOEFL is really easy.....the easiest nut to crack of all

these foreign exams....it has 4 sections --> reading - listening - speaking - writing.

reading- u get 3 passages n den questions on dem n questions as simple as "what does apparently mean in this passage?" and an obvious answer which can be given even widout readin da passage...

listening- u listen to lectures or conversations and answer questions based on them.....very easy again

speaking- thts one section tht is difficult....u rly need courage to speak....n more than courage quickness in thought....coz u only get 15 seconds to prepare and hav to speak for 45 seconds.....man it is tough....but u look at the sample high level answer and u get relaxed....coz we mumbai university students are mostly way better than the ppl in these sample answers....all u need to do....jus speak nethin related to the topic....forget right or wrong....forget framing the speech....jus fill up the 45 seconds....but ur english n grammar should be good....thts wat toefl is really all about....eng n grammar rather than content...

writing- well most of u know by now tht i m vry good at writin ....so didnt prepare at all...but it is neways easy....so dont worry

for all those who hav given their GRE all u need to do for TOEFL is jus give 1 or max 2 practise sections of readin n listenin.....bliv me it is more than enuf...speakin requires some rpactise....4-5 tests of speakin...thts it....u dont hav to study nething....n rly this is one xam whr u r not much tensed...u hav nothin to study since the 1st day, neither on the last day

on the d-day....well wasnt a d-day actually....was jus a normal day.....had my test at 4 30pm..sick time....but no option....so got up late....reached the center at 3 30 ...my center was at karrox, shoppers pt....jus opposite andheri station....den waited....till 5 15....yeah it started late....in da meanwhile though all da test takers had a gr8 chat goin....all of dem talkin abt themselves...all were from different fields...well all others were girls n only one boy, me...[:D]....one girl was jus in her 12th wanting to pursue bio-tech....one was from medical field....one 4m commerce....another was an engineer but senior to me by one yr...

finally i entered at 5 15 and started by 5 30....den all sections went on smoothly....reading was a bit tougher than in da practise tests but still nothin compared to GRE....but still got me tensed a bit ....coz in TOEFL evry question is imp...and u have to score high on readin n listenin coz speakin u cant say...n even writin

but neways was decent on da whole....did speak well....though fumbled....a test of 4 hrs+ ....gets a bit boring....but a gr8 experience overall

Yes, at 9 30pm i had finally finished all of these tests ....all da headache now gone...i had gr8 food at McDonalds....den went home wid content n happiness.

Life is Full of CONTRASTS!!

Well first of all i hav to giggle when i hear this statement...well only we "members of the elite TACHAS grp" know why (right kshitij...remember we sitting in Garcias...and tht moment when u were abt to have ur neck clasped in Faheem's hand)...ha! ha! ha!

talking of contrasts, many examples flood our minds immediately, like-life n death, happiness n sorrow, truth n lie, good n bad, success or failure, etc. But is life all about contrasts! Yes it is. Contrasts are the major part of life. Its either a 1 or a 0. Its either black or white. life is beautiful and at times ugly. it is long but often we're out of time. we hav good luck as well as bad. thr r two sides to evrything.

let me give u the most practical example from the engineers perspective. the very basic sinewave is a contrast having highs and lows. well thr r millions of examples to show....coz thr r two sides to evrything so evrything is a contrast....a lie can be good at times....and a truth can b harmful. technology, development all hav pros n cons.

how often we get wat we dont want or dont deserve and we dont get wat we want. so we shud never b disappointed on bad luck coz sometimes we may not hav things goin r way....but at other times we may hav things goin better than we expected!!!

at the end, remember....it is only better contrast tht makes pictures visible, clear, distinguishable and more appreciable!!!

A Beautiful Metaphor to My LIFE

The Bud that blossomed into a flower overnight...

Once upon a time there was a small bud in a beautiful garden. It was firmly supported by the roots and had a gardener (an angel - a substitute of GOD 4 the bud) to look after it, nourish it all the time. Those were the young days where it was cared for, liked and loved. It had a lot of fun.

Then one day, the gardener suddenly disappeared. the bud was left alone, no one to take care of it. Initially the bud did not realise (or probably did not want to realise) wat had happened and how its life is going to be changed. with no one to take care of, it was uprooted and placed in a forest thinking it would grow on its own as the other forest plants. thus it was assumed to hav grown, assumed to be strong tht it cud compete wid the others plants and flowers for food and light. well it had to pretend to be so coz for the roots it was the sole purpose of their being. now the roots really fulfilled their duty meticulouslyproviding it wid water and sisterly leaves provided the food and nutrients. but all this seemed to lack tht feelin of unity, of being one entity. it probably looked more lik an office, all jus fulfillin their duties.

tht was the scenario, the bud really starting to miss the care and affection after some time. it was left to grow, probably expected to hav grown. it was now tht the bud realised its attachment and its dependence to the gardener. the days went by, the bud tryin to be quite strong and almost succeeding in doin so. it fought and did grow up to be independently. it blossomed into a flower tht had thorns within but beauty and fragrance was all tht it had for the outside world.

soon it had many bees to be its friends. it was happy to hav gained a vry good company and it provided the bees wid nectar(all tht it had). but thr came along a butterfly, vry beautiful and caring. the bud kept its best nectar(a form of its love and care) for the butterfly. and the two of dem started gettin along well. the bud felt tht it had finally found someone again who cared and loved it, and on whom it can rest its string of control and be dependent on. but it seems tht fate had something else in store 4 the bud. the butterfly soon started drifting away...leaving the bud alone...not caring 4 it as it did.

the bud was vry disappointed....now its carapace broken....its strength gone....and its stability on a decilvity. its string now floats wid no one to control and it wafts along wid ne impetus.

the roots still thr, the leaves still alongside the bud, the bees still thr....but still the bud feels incomplete and alone....feeling weak ....needing some support to rock back on.

now the bud looks up to wonder is thr someone out thr to listen...wondering wats in store in the future....and searching for its purpose, aim.....