Retrospect

Here I am thinking about my past, my present and my future - the drill every man goes through at least once in his life, the soul searching everyone does once in a while, the analysis about your past decisions/choices and the fruit you have had, the quiet lonely time spent sobbing- being sad - thinking about things/people you miss, things/people you want, things/people you love and care about.

I guess it is happening quite often these days in this country here being lonely, being in a terrible economy, some or the other bad news coming your way every day, the debt & burden increasing on your shoulders, the more responsible you become, the more "man" you become, the less you open up and share...

It has been months now since I spoke to some of my good friends. I haven't been online too much. I haven't called. I guess I am just under so much pressure, not from studies but from my situation, that I don't want to share. I feel strong when I don't share or rather avoid the urge to share. Or rather I don't want to come out as a weak person. But I truly miss a lot of people including Nikita. Yes her thoughts have got back to me. They dont haunt me or trouble me anymore, instead they make me smile at times. I also don't mind admitting here now that I currently feel desperate to have a girlfriend whom I can share with, for I will not share with any one else no matter how good a friend he/she is. Recently its been kinda sick that every girl I meet, I try to see if she can be the one. But so far haven't found any one to be "the one". But I am glad to still be sensible enough not to be overwhelmed by these silly thoughts and always getting my act together, focussing on things that really matter. And this is where my love for nikita helps, coz I can ignore and reject thoughts of any other girl in her comparison. When a few people who know me well read this, they sure would have started thinking that I am back to chasing nikita, that I am back to hoping, expecting... but to reassure you guys, I am nowhere close to that. I am happy with my life, I am just a lot worried by the financial conditions right now.

Another one bites the dust

I dont know why God does this to me, but He frustrates me a lot. He takes me so close to opportunities and then takes them away from me. Today I came so close to getting a Hindi TA which would have meant full tuition waiver for the next 3 sems but no after me working hard to make those questions and being honest in my interview, I still got rejected. I just hope he doesnt do that with my Qualcomm intern opportunity.
But again some times He blesses me with luck that is suprising. I wish He would indicate to me of what I was lacking. I am just so very frustrated right now. I dont know what He has in store for me now. I never really want anything for myself these days. I havent asked Him for anything for quite sometime. I asked Him to give me this TA only because I wanted to rid my father of the load of my education. I just wish He gives him strength and some reason to be happy as well.